I love to read other blogs, and very often when I am standing doing the dishes, or in the shower, or some other quiet place where I can think, I imagine what I would write if I had a blog.
I love to write, I always have scraps of paper and notes lying around, stuffed into pockets and about 3 or 4 notebooks and journals on the go at once.
If you met me on the street, you probably wouldn't notice me because I don't like to be noticed. I am really shy - another reason I had for not starting a blog.
But, when I know someone, I am a completely different person. My husband often says that if people who don't know me very well saw me in a situation where I am comfy, they wouldn't recognise me.
When I'm comfy I smile a lot more, I talk a lot more, I share a lot more.
I love a lot more.
Don't get me wrong, I like most of the people I know, I just struggle with how to show them.
I am so afraid that if I let people see the real me, that I'll be rejected, or that they'll laugh or worse hate me.
Every day I mess up in one way or another, I look at the women I know and feel so inadequate compared to them. I read other womens books and blogs, and come away feeling so encouraged, but then go and mess up again.
On Sunday I watched this video.
If you get the chance I encourage you to watch it too, but be warned, I don't think anyone could watch it and not be changed.
I realised that I am caring too much what others think, and not enough about what God thinks. God has created me, and yes, He has created in me a shy person, but He has also given me a heart for people. A heart that wants more than anything to show as much love and warmth to those around her. A heart that wants to reach out and help those in need. I just want to be a friend.
The lady in that video was dying - in her words unless there was a miracle, she would die within a few months. And when you go to the website, you find out that there wasn't a miracle, she died almost a year ago.
But what a legacy she has left behind for all those who listen to her words. She lived with purpose, and that is how I want to live. I want to say yes to all the things that will be difficult, and the things that will make a mess. I want to share with others the things that God has laid on my heart to share.
I will be writing about things that are hard for me, that maybe I have only shared with a few others, but I am doing it because I believe that is what God wants from me. And maybe you are the person that God wants to speak to. Even if He only touches one life, and I never find out, that is ok with me.
And remember, I am a sinner, I feel that I am the worst in the world and the most inadequate person to be doing this, so please bear with me. If any of my posts come across as judgmental or harsh or critical, or just don't make sense, please accept my humblest apologies, and tell me. I will do my best to sort them out.
God can cause beauty to appear from mess. When I think of the mess my life would be in today if it weren't for Him, I can't do anything but thank Him for changing me.
Today, my life is still messy, I still have to repent of sins, and ask God to forgive me and change me, but He is faithful and will forgive me and change me. He wants to help me clean up my messiness
The cross was messy, it was not a pleasant sight, but out of that mess, God brought something truly beautiful - forgiveness for all who would believe in Christ.
Today, why not ask God to show you where the messy places are in your life, and then ask Him to help you sort them out, because He will:
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
1 John 1 v 9
But then be ready to say Yes, to all the things that will be difficult and make a mess. They may be hard, but they will be worth it.